It's A Thing: Kill the Moon

This story needs more crystals.

Moffat-Era Tropes: "The Ark in Space" reference (Bennett oscillator); alien that appears malevolent but actually just wants to be loved; traveling in the Tardis as some kind of emotional therapy for needy children; fairy-tale presented as (really preposterous) science; Timey-wimey (the return of the “Pyramids of Mars” idea of events being in flux); female military types who speak in monotones; skeleton in a space suit; “Everybody lives!” speech from the Doctor; sour grouch regaining an appreciation of the beauty of life thanks to the Doctor's intervention. It's not a Moffat Trope, but it's worth pointing out that the design of the mites is awfully close to that of the red-striped giant spider on the 1978 edition of the Target novelisation of “Doctor Who and the Planet of the Spiders.”

A Thing in a Thing: A space chicken in the moon.

The Doctor is A: Man who normally helps. At least, that's what Clara says.

The Master Is A: voiding this week. Evidently the sheer level of Science Fail is too much for her.

Clara Lies About: Courtney being special. Fact is, Courtney, however important she may be to the people around her, is nonetheless one of several billion human beings, and, even if she winds up as Dictator of the Solar System, she will be forgotten within a few thousand years of her death. Telling her she's special is just catering to some kind of entitlement mentality at best, and implying that some humans are superior to others at worst.

Reasons Clara Should Drop Danny Like A Hot Potato: Once again, it's all about him: he can't just listen sympathetically to Clara, he has to wrench the conversation round to being about him leaving the army.

Child Count: 28 (13 in the opening scene, 12 in the closing scene, Courtney, and two space-chicken embryos).

The Thick of It: The Doctor tells off Lundvik for swearing in front of children.

It's Actually About: Where to begin? It's about how if the majority votes for something you disagree with, you go ahead and do what you want anyway (a lesson Courtney is sure to take with her into the Oval Office); it's about how kids need to be told they're special, otherwise they'll start drinking White Lightning; it's about how the potential life of a single space-chicken is more important than the actual lives of billions of humans; it's about the Doctor being an arrogant manipulative bastard to Clara. Take your pick.

It's A Thing: The Caretaker

Moffat-Era Tropes: Troughton-era references (the Doctor offers to introduce Clara to fish people, and later paraphrases the Doctor's “up or down, I don't care which” speech from “The Power of the Daleks”). Timey-wimey (Clara fitting her adventures with the Doctor around her dates with Danny). Doctor Who as romcom. River Song is mentioned. Bow ties are still cool. Companion with a boyfriend who is jealous of the Doctor. The Doctor's antagonistic relationship with Danny appears to have been lifted wholesale from the RTD era, namely Eccleston's antagonistic relationship with Mickey Smith.

A Thing in a Thing: An alien robot killing machine in a school.

The Doctor is A: Caretaker. Also Clara's Space Dad.

The Master Is A: bit busy today.

This machine kills caretakers.

Clara Lies About: Her relationship with the Doctor, both indirectly (in not telling Danny what she's up to) and directly when she pretends she doesn't know the new caretaker, and when she tries to convince Danny she and the Doctor are just rehearsing a play. She also doesn't tell the Doctor that she's dating Danny, or that she's smuggled him into the Tardis using the invisibility watch.

Reasons Clara Should Drop Danny Like A Hot Potato: Because he can't handle the idea that she's a time traveler, because it's always all about him, because it doesn't really seem to occur to him that Clara lying to him might have been justified (as it's not easy to explain a lifestyle like hers to non-time-travelers) rather than some kind of personal slight, and because he's a complete jerk about the Doctor, particularly with his passive-aggressive “I'm a soldier and he's an officer” bit. The Doctor's right; he's not good enough for her.

Child Count: Between 41 and 147 (17 outside Coal Hill, and 6 more as Clara and Danny go into the school; 12 in the act one establishing shot; 7 as Danny and Clara discuss Smith; 2 are moved on by the policeman in the shopping street; 15 in Clara's English class; 41 as Clara goes from her class to the school garden; 5 when Clara tells the two boys off for playing football on the garden chessboard; 19 when Clara bumps into Danny after her conversation with the Doctor; 20 on the wide establishing shot of the school before Clara gives Danny the watch; 3 at the parents' evening). Courtney (alluded to in “Listen”) is finally identified as the cheeky teenager with the Afro seen in Clara's flashback in “Deep Breath” and when Danny visits the school office in “Inside the Dalek”.

The Thick of It: Chris Addison is in the Nethersphere.

It's Actually About: Doctor Who changing from a wacky romcom about two pretty boys vying for the attention of a pretty girl, to one about a pretty boy and a pretty girl trying to get together despite the efforts of her crotchety older relative.

It's A Thing: Time Heist

(with thanks to Penny Goodman)

Moffat-Era Tropes: Timey-Wimey. Businesswomen named Miss or Madame Something-or-Other with fetishistically severe suits, hairstyles and eyewear. Monster that looks fierce but actually wants to be loved. Creatures or accessories which induce memory loss. “Don't Think”. One-off character sacrificing themselves to save the Doctor or companion despite only having met them a few hours earlier. People gabbling out explanations at top speed.

A Thing in a Thing: A monster in a bank vault.

Some call him a butcher.

The Doctor is A: ...n Architect. Also, overbearing, manipulative, likes to think he's very clever, and hates himself.

The Master Is A: Woman in a shop, who has the Doctor's private phone number.

Clara Lies About: Not directly, but Psi does note that she's good at making excuses for the Doctor's behaviour. And she keeps her mind blank so the Teller doesn't detect her guilt, which is a sort of lie.

Reasons Clara Should Drop Danny Like A Hot Potato: Because he's angling for another date, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that he acted like an idiot on the first one.

Child Count: One.

The Thick of It: "Shuttity up, up, UP!"

It's Actually About: Atoning for past misdeeds, I suppose, though in this case it's actually getting someone else to do the actual work of atoning for it.

It's A Thing: Listen

Guess what, we found him.

Moffat-Era Tropes: Doggerel. Childhood fears. Things under the bed. “Don't blink”-style catchphrase. People being surrounded by beings they can't actually perceive. Timey-wimey. Visiting a regular character when they are a child. Monsters under the bed. The idea that humans all share some kind of collective, unconscious, defense mechanism against a particular being. Orphanages. Agism about the Doctor's current appearance from Clara, and slights against Clara's current appearance from the Doctor. Allusions to the Doctor having been a parent. Clara saving the Doctor by having a conversation with his past self. Scottish jokes. Barns on Gallifrey.

A Thing in a Thing: A monster under the bed.

The Doctor is A: fraid.

The Master Is A: bsent.

Clara Lies About: How she knows Danny's real name is “Rupert”. She also lies by omission in not telling him what's actually going on between her and the Doctor at the same time as she's on her date, and by not telling the Doctor what she suspects about her relationship to Orson.

Reasons Clara Should Drop Danny Like A Hot Potato: Because he continually interprets innocent remarks as some kind of slight on his war record, because he's self-righteous as all get out, because he's far too touchy about the fact that his real name is “Rupert,” because his dialogue other than that is a continuous stream of double-entendres, because he doesn't “do weird”, and because if she doesn't dump him, the future will have Orson. And only she will be to blame.

Child Count: Four (or five, if the Thing In Danny's room is really another child playing a prank).

The Thick of It: The Doctor masquerades as a government inspector.

It's Actually About: The benefits of the fear response. And the fact that sometimes, the monsters really are all in your head.

It's A Thing: Robot of Sherwood

Moffat-Era Tropes: Having Mark Gatiss write a story full of Gatiss' own set of tropes. An episode where the Doctor and companion walk into some sort of mythical scenario (e.g. pirates) and the companion promptly starts playing up to it while the Doctor sulks about being sceptical. Banter. People gabbling things out far too fast. Scottish jokes. Patrick Troughton references. Robots fixing a spaceship with whatever they have to hand.

A Thing in a Thing: A robot in Sherwood. Actually several robots and a cyborg.

The Doctor is A: Bony rascal.

The Master Is A: ...way this episode. Probably watching the other channel.

Clara Lies About: Her story to the Sheriff of Nottingham, as she tells him later.

More realistic than this.

Reasons Clara Should Drop Danny Like A Hot Potato: Because she's having a little fling on the side with Robin Hood.

Child Count: None, but there's a dwarf to make up for it.

The Thick of It: The Doctor is in a permanent strop, but then again, confronted with the scenario he's in, any sane person would be.

It's Actually About: ...no, seriously, what is it about? Robin Hood et al. Shouldn't exist in the form they do here, for countless reasons (just look up “Robin Hood” on Wikipedia and count the anachronisms in this story), and yet there's no indication that this is the Land of Fiction, or a case of people being mentally conditioned as in “The Next Doctor”, or any of the rationales the Doctor suggests for this ridiculous setup (Miniscope, theme park, etc.), or any connection with the Master and her virtual world either. There's no explanation for the warm climate or the general unreality of the scenario. There's an exchange at the end about people needing their heroes to be larger than life, but then again, since the heroes in this story are larger than life, there's no Firefly-style message about the reality of heroism versus the fiction, either. So all I can say is, it's about 46 minutes long.

It's a Thing: Inside the Dalek

Moffat-Era Tropes: Medical nanobots (or nanopeople and antibodies, here). Ripping off the Troughton Era (here, “The Evil of the Daleks”). Giving a Dalek or Cyberman a cutesy nickname. The Doctor and companion sliding into a creature's digestive system. Clara talks the Doctor out of a destructive frame of mind. The Doctor defeats something by talking at it, and has a big exultant speech about how beautiful and wonderful the universe is.

The last time someone put a human in
 a Dalek it did not end well.

A Thing in a Thing: A group of humans in a Dalek.

The Doctor is A: Good Dalek.

The Master Is A: Tea-drinker and baking enthusiast.

Clara Lies About: She's actually honest this episode. Enjoy it, it won't last.

Reasons Clara Should Drop Danny Like A Hot Potato: He's only just appeared, and he's already showing his colours as a passive-aggressive type who's got way too many ambivalent issues about his military career.

Child Count: Between 13 and 41 (we see 10 in the cadets' corps, 3 hanging around the school office, 16 in Danny's classroom, 4 in the corridor before Clara goes into the Tardis, and 8 when she emerges, but it's unclear how much crossover there is between the groups).

The Thick of It: “Am I a good man?” Possibly not.

It's Actually About: How hating something evil, doesn't make you good.

It's A Thing: Deep Breath

Moffat-Era Tropes: Silurians with hooters and honkers. The Paternoster Gang run through their greatest hits. Scottish jokes. Clockwork droids (who come from the Madame de Pompadour's sister ship). “Don't blink”-type phrase. Companion in love with the Doctor (in this case, Clara having to get over her crush on Matt Smith's version). Everyone's still belting out explanations at each other at lightning speed. Gratuitous reference to a continuity point (i.e., why the Doctor looks like Caecilius from “The Fires of Pompeii”). Dead people's personalities going to some kind of afterlife. The 51st century. "You've redecorated! I don't like it." Timey-wimey (the Doctor telephoning Clara from the past to tell her not to be scared of his new regeneration).

This is what a T-rex looks like.

A Thing in a Thing: A (featherless) T-Rex in the Thames.

The Doctor is A: Long-shanked rascal with a mighty nose.

The Master Is A: ...n egomaniacal needy game-player.

Clara Lies About: How uninterested in male totty she is-- she may have had a pin-up of Marcus Aurelius on her bedroom wall as a teenager, but she secretly fantasizes about hot guy-on-guy action.

Reasons Jenny Should Drop Madame Vastra Like A Hot Potato: She makes her serve the tea, tricks her into posing semi-clad, flirts with Clara, and generally acts like the wife from hell.

Child Count: 12.

The Thick of It: Continued jokes about how ferocious the Doctor currently looks.

It's Actually About: Love-- if you love someone, it doesn't matter if they're a lizard, or a Scotsman with angry eyebrows.

Dead or Alive

The Dead Zone: Early Cronenberg about a man who develops the gift of prophecy following a car accident. Filmed around rural Ontario, apparently entirely on location, which makes the whole thing feel at once ultra-realistic (the houses look like real houses, not like something designed) and fantastical (everything has a curious sense of isolation and decay). Guest starring Martin Sheen, who doesn't realise he's really auditioning for The West Wing, and Anthony Zerbe, who for once doesn't actually kill anyone (at least, not directly).

Ancient Grease

The Warriors: Low-budget classic interpreting a myth about Greek warriors returning home from battle into a tale of rival gangs in 1970s New York. Ludicrous in places (gangs themed around baseball and mime makeup? Really?) but does capture the weird atmosphere that pervades the subways of big cities after midnight.

Cleopatra: High-budget classic (modern viewers might have to keep reminding themselves that those are real people in the crowd scenes), which ultimately boils down to a story of a woman who finds her soulmate, loses him, then tries to recreate what she had with a younger man who ultimately proves inadequate.

Blockage

Attack the Block: A cross between Doctor Who and Top Boy, as aliens invade a London council estate, and its various colourful inhabitants (a gang of teenage muggers, a drug dealer, a posh university student ostentatiously slumming it, a nurse, and others) are drawn into trying to repel them. Best teeth ever.

And Soon the Darkness: Essentially a feature-length pilot for Brian Clemens' anthology series Thriller, featuring all the early-1970s horror tropes: pretty young women in peril, check, sinister stalkery man who turns out to be on the good side, obvious red-herring character, sensibly-shod lesbian, taciturn foreigners. The plot revolves around a killer who is murdering young women who go on cycling holidays in France, and that makes for the most interesting part: the beautiful, sometimes creepy, rural French landscape, isolated and cut off in a way that no place is anymore.

Movie count for 2014: 45

Menagerie

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Reboot which goes back to the racial-metaphor roots of the series. Caesar is a hyper-intelligent ape who is raised by humans, but recognises his privilege when events cast him out of the home, and works to uplift the rest of the apes. The movie's also improved on the original in explaining the ape origins-- I could never totally believe the ape-slaves conceit of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, but having them as transgenic research animals being used to find an Alzheimer's cure (with the side effect that it improves the intelligence of normal individuals) is believable.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes: Carries on the allegorical exploration of the first film, this time pinning the woes of both human and ape societies, after the plague apocalypse, to fascism and the easy availability of guns. Marred by a completely unnecessary Bechdel-test fail (seriously, someone on the team should have read some Jane Goodall before developing that ape society).

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Older academic couple making each other's lives, and their colleagues' lives, miserable in complicated ways.

Movie count for 2014: 43

Harried

What I watched on my summer holidays in Italy, three Harryhausens and a macaroni war epic:

It Came From Beneath the Sea: Giant octopus monsterflick. At first I was hopeful that it would be a kind of American Gojira, since at first we're told that this gigantism is the result of nuclear testing; however, by the climax of the film they've changed their minds and it's apparently a normal thing. The government naturally wants to destroy it, and what's surprising is that the scientists all have no problem with this-- no Gojira-style moralising where one scientist wants to kill it with fire and the other one argues that it has a perfect right to live. The giant tentacles are cool but there's not enough of them.

Earth Versus the Flying Saucers: A strange one this-- a 1950s America where everyone is on a military footing, and yet the Soviet Union doesn't seem to exist (apart from a brief bit of stock footage when the aliens broadcast their ultimatum to the people of Earth). In the real world, satellites going missing and strange flying craft sighted would be enough to set off Bay of Pigs six years too early, but here, they're unproblematically down to the aliens. Again, we have scientists who are remarkably incurious about the extraterrestrials, agreeing with the military that they have to be destroyed and not even considering the ethical ramifications of this.

20 Million Miles to Earth: Arguably the most nuanced and interesting of the three Harryhausen films, in which the Americans have somehow managed to conduct a secret mission to Venus, and bring back one of the natives, who promptly escapes after the spaceship crashes off the Sicilian coast and goes on a rampage which culminates in the destruction of the Coliseum and the zoological gardens in Borgia Park. Somehow none of this sparks any kind of international incident-- possibly this takes place in the same Sovietless universe as the previous film, but even then you'd think that there'd be a few sharp telegrams flying between Rome and Washington at least. One's sympathies are firmly with the Venusian, though the humans are a little more interestingly characterised this time, and for once neither the scientists nor the military are out to kill it with fire (the Italian police are, but that's another story).
 
Eagles Over London: An Italian film about the Battle of Britain, well, sort of. It takes such hilarious liberties with history (apparently there was an American in charge of the RAF, the Battle of Britain was fought in a single night using the entire British air force, there was an army of German agents infiltrating every single British installation...) that one can't help but love it. Also a nicely sobering reminder about the liberties we take with other people's histories.

Movie count for 2014: 40

20 Feet from Muppets

Frozen: The Disney studio's attempt to simultaneously address every single criticism of sexism in one movie, but it does work pretty well. Not as entertainingly postmodern as Beauty and the Beast, but I did like the subtextual message that love between the Plucky Princess and the Handsome Prince isn't the only sort of love worth having.

20 Feet from Stardom: Documentary about backing singers, which really highlighted the sexism and personality cults of the music industry; one of the interviewees, for instance, had sung with the Rolling Stones since 1965, to the point where Jagger himself described her as part of the group, and yet nobody will every consider her a Stone.

The Muppets: Reasonably decent addition to the Muppet film series, with at least some of the subversion and surrealism of the original, but it sort of pulled its punches rather. I did like some of the ideas, like Animal winding up in rehab and Miss Piggy becoming the new Anna Wintour, but where the 1970s Muppets could make you wince as often as they could make you laugh, this one didn't really.

Upside Down: Gave this one a pass at the SF London Film Festival because the plot didn't sound terribly interesting, and it turns out it isn't. The effects, on the other hand, are frequently pretty spectacular-- the premise involves two worlds which have "opposite gravity", meaning that half the cast are on what the other half perceives as the ceiling, and a lot of imagination has gone into figuring out how this would work. When it wasn't doing that, though, it wound up being sort of dull.

Movie count for 2014: 36

Men Behaving Badly

At the Earth's Core: Cheap 1970s movie which more or less follows Burrough's text for two-thirds of the movie, then realises they don't have time for all the travelogue bits and quickly channels "Doctor Who and the Daleks" to finish the story off. Worth it for Cy Grant as Ja.

The Man Who Fell to Earth: David Bowie is subjected to Nick Roeg's impressionistic jump-cuts, and perserveres.

The Servant: Man comes into the life of another man, drives off his girlfriend and dominates him completely. The gay subtext is so obvious it's practically text, but it's also massively homophobic. Can't quite believe it of Harold Pinter.

Megapython versus Gatoroid: Entertainingly self-aware badflick. Features Tiffany in the least practical park rangers' outfit ever, but nonetheless passes the Bechdel Test in spades.

Movie count for 2014:32

What I saw at the SF London Film Festival

Coming soon to a festival, theatre and/or DVD shop near you...

Lost Time: Sort of like a feature-length episode of The X-Files where the entire cast and crew dropped acid before the shoot; the results unfortunately tend more towards "tedious and weird" than "mind-bending".

Suicide or Lulu and Me In A World Made For Two: A film about obsession, control and mind-bending, which was pretty good but unfortunately prevented from being brilliant by a major contradiction in the plot setup which emerges at the climax of the story, and by a slightly-too-coincidental series of connections between the characters.

Bunker 6: Now this one did actually verge into the "brilliant" category. Set in an alternate history where the bomb was indeed dropped during the Cuban Missile Crisis, it features a group of Canadians, ten years on, deciding whether or not to open the Diefenbunker and face the outside world. A The Shining-style twist at the end which retroactively changes everything.

The Creep Behind the Camera: Lynchian documentary/docudrama about the making of The Creeping Terror. Creep is a psychological horror film about its director, a monstrous psychopath who abuses his wife, cheats his collaborators and leaves as his legacy one of the worst badflicks of all time.

Time Lapse: Another brilliant one, a story about a group of twentysomethings who discover a camera which will show them a picture from the next day, but tells them nothing about how they got there. Events inevitably devolve into infidelity, organized crime, and bloodshed.

Short Films: "Cooking with Venus" was quite possibly even better than the features above despite being about 2 minutes long, and "A Stitch in Time for $9.99" (another story about events affected by a glimpse into the near-future), "Eden 2045" (a rather sad take on similar themes to The Prisoner) "The Tea Chronicles" (about a peculiarly British obsession) and "Flesh Computer" (just... weird, but it works) also worthy of mention. On the other side, "H270" was probably the single most boring thing I've seen at SFL ever.

Movie count for 2014: 28

One Of Our Films Is Too Long

One Of Our Aircraft Is Missing: Powell and Pressburger film about an air crew shot down in occupied Holland, making their way back to the UK. Gains chutzpah points for having actually been made during wartime, but through modern eyes the protagonists are a bit too reminiscent of Armstrong and Miller's chav-talking pilots. Watch out for a young Robert Beattie, uncredited, as an American volunteer.

Toy Story 3: Nice conclusion to the saga, ending it before the formula becomes too overused. I held off on watching it because TS2 always makes me cry buckets and I was afraid this would be similar, but fortunately, apart from a little poignancy at the end, it was more upbeat.

The Devil Rides Out: Beautiful British horror film, with Christopher Lee as the good guy for a change. Lovely sets and Surrey landscapes, but the cast of phlegmatic and faintly dim Edwardians did occasionally make things feel a little Bertie-Wooster-Meets-Satan. Co-starring Paul Eddington as a man far too calm about having his car stolen, his living room covered with chalk circles and his house filled with refugees from covens.

Ali: Mohammad Ali biopic, with Will Smith and directed by Michael Mann. There's a good story in there, but there's also about 90 minutes of padding.

Movie count for 2014: 23 

Cabin Crew

Cabin Fever: Horror film of the Sam Raimi school, i.e., "put a bunch of really unlikeable people in a cabin in the woods and pick them off gleefully one by one". In this case, a bunch of nasty university students on spring break are besieged by a flesh-eating virus, seemingly crazed rednecks, and an even more crazed Alsatian. Has a really quite charming twist at the end.

Movie count for 2014: 19

In the Days Before Television

Rocket Ship XM: Oddly-paced B-movie about a mission to the moon which goes wrong and hits Mars instead. Suffers from a distinct lack of both characterisation and tension; even when the crew are being chased by Martian mutants or trying to make it back to Earth on too little fuel, it's hard to care. It also can't seem to make up its mind if it's a B-picture or not; it has cliched characterisation, space adventure and Martian mutants, but it also has no antagonists (bar the abovementioned mutants), and a rather surprising ending, giving the whole thing the feel of one of the nerdier episodes of The Outer Limits. The sets are pretty nice, though.

The Star Packer: Unfortunately-named early John Wayne film, with no incidental music and minimal editing. Features Wayne as a sheriff out to save a girl from evil outlaws with the aid of his ethnic stereotype of an Indian sidekick. There's a couple of nice stunts during the climactic wagon-chase and shootout, but one can't help but suspect that it's where the budget went. It can be entertaining to think of a better film for the name (a Brando-esque drama about an excellent factory worker, pitted against a corrupt union? A sports picture about the meteoric rise and fall of Green Bay's best quarterback?) but it's still not worth it.

Movie count for 2013: 18 (SF London Film Festival coming up in a couple of weeks, hooray!)

What's Wrong With "The Musketeers" (BBC1 Version)

1. The characterisation. Seriously, one of the reasons The Three Musketeers has been so frequently adapted is because of the simple, easy-to-understand characterisation of the main characters: there's the Romantic One, the Angry One, and the One of Prodigious Appetites, plus the Naive and Innocent One. The fact that the series itself regularly became confused over which one was Romantic, Be-Appetited or Angry, with all three Musketeers being all three at all times, is a real problem.

2. Race. I was really happy when I saw that Porthos was played by a black actor-- it's a nice nod to the fact that Alexandre Dumas was himself black, as well as acknowledging that not everyone in pre-industrial Europe was white. However, because the series was filmed in Croatia, all of the extras were white-- and so was 99% of the guest cast (apart from a cameo by Ashley Waters), meaning that for 9 out of 10 episodes, Porthos appears to be almost the only black person in France, and no one appears to notice. And the 10th? That's the horribly patronising one about the slave trade. Which brings me on to...

3) Historical accuracy (lack of). Yes, I know it's a drama, and that dramas take liberties with historical facts. But this one's connection to history is so tenuous it might as well be set in Ruritania as in France. The abovementioned slave-trade episode is particularly egregious (17th-century France has no major colonies? That's news to any Canadian raised on stories of the coureurs de bois and the Jesuit missions), but it's far from the only offender.

4) Familiarity. 17th-century France is a pretty strange place by modern standards, a society with very different ideas about legitimate governance, the value of life, the place of religion, marital fidelity, and science. This is a popular drama so I'm not expecting Hawksmoor, but it can't be impossible to nonetheless give an idea of the foreignness of the past-- hell, even the likes of Poldark managed it better. Just to give an example: at one point a character exclaims, "I'm a citizen of France! I have rights!" to which someone ought to have responded "No, on both counts, for at least another 150 years." ETA: Even more inexcusable when you consider that Game of Thrones is set in a society with child marriage, eunuchs, polytheism, and a royal family with a rather liberal attitude towards incest, and yet doesn't seem to have alienated its audience one bit.

5) Repetition. Someone is accused of a crime they didn't commit. But it's actually all a ruse to entrap someone else. Lather, rinse, repeat. The series is only 10 episodes long, for heaven's sake!

Good points: Peter Capaldi, of course; the characterisation of Louis XIII was a lot subtler than I was expecting, and yes, they did find some pretty palaces to film in (even if those shots of the painted ceilings did get old rather fast). For the first few episodes it was fun to do a counterfactual reading of the series in which the Cardinal is actually the hero and the Musketeers the villains, though that did get boring eventually.

What's Been On My Skybox Lately

Robocop 3: You know the series has completely hit bottom when a character calls Lewis a "dumb broad", and then it takes a pickaxe and continues digging. Torchwood-like resistance, annoying child hacker, xenophobia, sexism, this film has it all. The Japanese robot is sort of cool, though.

The Invention of Lying: Satire about a world in which no one can lie, except Ricky Gervais. Starts to get really good around about the point where it flat out says religion is a lie, but then realises where it's going and cranks the plot around to turn it into a fairly conventional romcom (complete with the usual annoying woman-as-prize trope)

American Werewolf in London: Groundbreaking, and uncompromising, horror-comedy, and quite probably the only film about Americans in the UK which manages to patronise neither Americans nor Brits. Watch for an uncredited appearance by Rik Mayall.

Little Voice: A story about how sometimes it takes a world-shattering tragedy to break free of your constraints and start really living your life.

From Here to Eternity: Drama about an infantry base in Hawaii on the eve of WWII; brilliantly characterised, even if I did wind up hating one of the nominal protagonists (he was well-drawn and believable, but a completely selfish jerk). It only has one real problem, namely, that it's implied that once the incompetent chief officer is removed from the base, it will stop being a hotbed of bullying and corruption and instead run smoothly; other military dramas have taken that ball and run with it down a rather more pessimistic direction.

Movie Count for 2014: 16